Waiting

Trying to get pregnant and struggling with infertility are very frustrating. At times I feel like I'm living in a constant state of transition. Just waiting to have children, because I know my life will drastically change when I do. I also like to be prepared for things because I like to have control. During 2008 I had 2 miscarriages about 6 months apart. For the past few weeks I have thought maybe I was pregnant again. Its hard because if I am I want to make healthy choices, and choices that will not do any harm to the baby. (I try to stay away from caffeine, but coffee is my weakness.) I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and everything was negative. But I still don't know for sure. I get very worked up over this emotionally. After I came home from the doctor crying my husband asked me why. I told him because I want a baby so badly, and we have been trying for 3 1/2 years. He said, God will allow that when he is ready, Why can't you just enjoy the life he has given you until then? I have thought about that ever since. I have a wonderful life, I have a husband I adore and love to spend time with. I have a job that I like, and I am not in any danger of being laid off. I have good health. I have a great church family. My husband and I are in charge of the children's ministry at our church, and we have about 40 kids or more that we get to spend time with every week of all ages. I think I appreciate the children at church more than most because we do not have any of my own. I have so many things to be thankful for, and I lose sight of that because I dwell on this one thing. I have really been trying to change that because I think I find symptoms that are not really there in my hopes of becoming a mom.